Monday, January 21, 2013

10 Ways To Catch A Cheating Boyfriend

Most of you will have had a bad relationship in your day. Some of you will have had a terrible relationship. And the smallest portion of you will have had what my friends and I call, a vortex relationship, in your time.  A Vortex Relationship is the WORST KIND OF RELATIONSHIP. It is that relationship that makes you feel bad, oh, 90% of the time and dizzyingly, amazingly brilliant the other 10% of the time. It is like a drug and sees you lose half your friends, betray the other half, and destroy all your self-esteem and good clothes with waterproof mascara. I am one of the super lucky people to have experienced this rare breed of relationship.

Of course each of these Vortex Relationships has its own unique characteristics, like the different Real Housewives series, they are all terrible – they are just each terrible in their own individual way. My VR had a bit of a cheaty boyfriend who would belittle me in varying and creative ways. For instance, I once collected him from work on a Friday (he was already drunk) and drove him to his friend’s housewarming/pot luck dinner. He hung his head out of the window for the whole trip, yelling at passers-by pretending that he had an intellectual disability. We stopped to buy a dish to take – he opted for a pre-cooked roast chicken. Upon arrival at the party he barely introduced me to the room of people I did not know, sat at the table and ate the skin off the chicken WITH HIS BARE HANDS. Then he told the host that I had my period and we had to leave (I didn’t have my period by I was certainly ready to leave). Ah, the good old days.

As the years passed I realised that this was not the relationship of my dreams; with each subsequent lie and suspicious, drunken return home, and so I compiled this list. It is born straight from the mind of a very delusional, half mad, young Maz – so it does kind of reek of someone who needs to be committed (to an asylum, not a relationship haha). In the end it was my ticket out of that crap-box I called a love affair. So read it and use it, read it and thank god for your wonderful partner (or lack of a terrible one) or stop reading now and go about your life of denial, you poor sucker.

1.       Cast aside any pride and/or sanity you have left. Dispense with that shit like Pez. If you are not willing to do this, do not read any further and do not use any of these (brilliant) tips, you are simply not prepared to do so.

2.       Have an amazing memory and be the research king. If your memory is not amazing, keep a journal. It is hard for liars to keep track of their lies, so chances are if you keep track of everything you find dubious you will eventually come across mistakes and incongruences. Take note of things which seem odd and research them later; people, places and things are so easily checked in this day and age of social networking. Remember – a Facebook profile with loose security settings is your best friend. Back in the day I used to ring bowling alleys and bars and ask them to page my unfaithful other half; you kids these days have it so easy! Also, skills gained during this research will look great on your resume, the investigating and cataloguing I did probably add up to the equivalent of a journalism degree with honours.

3.       Do away with the illusion of trust. In order to really get all Private Eye on someone’s ass, you have to admit that you don’t trust them anymore, for you own sanity and also for the sake of your investigation. Once they know that you don’t believe anything that comes out of their mouth your Q & A sessions become a heck of a lot more fun and you can often corner them into telling you the truth. For example: I once called Mr Pot Luck and asked him where he was, I was told that he was at the newsagency, on his way home. I knew he was lying. I also knew that the devil was in the detail. I innocently asked what he was buying and was told he was purchasing the ever engaging and thought-provoking ZOO Magazine. “What’s on page 64?” I enquired further; I could hear his dry mouth through the phone along with some very long “ummmm”s and “ahhhh”s. It was so easy to catch him in that lie – he wasn’t at the newsagency, he was not buying a magazine and with three simple questions I caught him in the lie.

4.       Check their phone. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. But those who have something to hide will keep their phone away from you. This may sound like an obvious start, but here’s the twist – check it IN FRONT OF THEM. Wait until they are playing sport and you are watching, pretend it’s your phone in the car (if you have the same make of phone) and check it while they’re driving or sneak it out of their hand if they fall asleep on the couch. Maybe even connect your OWN iPhone to their computer and download all their information onto it – get creative! This way there is no element of surprise, and no possibility of being caught red handed, because when you are looking at someone while checking their phone you can see them coming. Also, be sensible with what you check – look in their notes or in their Words With Friends chat. The key is thinking outside the box if your partner’s looking to get inside someone else’s.

5.       Check their GPS. If they have a GPS in their car check their history, see where they have been and compare this with where they have told you they have been. Once I came across a discrepancy between the two and drove to the address listed in the history. It was someone’s house, so I waited outside (if you have read my previous posts you will know that my propensity to stalk is not a recent advent). A little old lady came out eventually and I found I had driven from Hornsby to Forestville for no reason. I hoped.

6.       Use sleepiness to your advantage. I think this actually a legit torture technique, but whatever, desperate times… If you feel that your partner is holding something back from you and will not share, wait until they are sleepy. Choose the one question you want to ask, and as they fall asleep consistently wake them up, asking repeatedly what you want to know. Works like a charm once they are desperate enough to sleep and they will pretty much tell you anything.

7.       Bluff. Make shit up. Once I found a foreign pair of shoes in the boot of the car. After my boyfriend tried to convince me they were mine (hahaha, seriously) he then told me they belonged to a friend of ours. I immediately fired back that she wore the same size shoe as me and these were huge (and hideous). Another time when he was out of the room I grabbed his phone and started mumbling, as he came back in I put the phone down and pretended a girl had just called. The terrified look on his face said it all, I nearly felt sorry for him.

8.       Be a master of minute details. I called Mr Pot Luck one morning to see where he was; supposedly he was at the beach. In the background I could hear the distinct call of an Indian myna bird. I told him that I had never seen a myna at the beach as they were generally urban creatures and didn’t really have feet that were accustomed to walking on sand. He tried to make some paedophilic, racist joke about an Indian minor. Retrospectively, I was much too intelligent for this dude. But then again, I stayed with him for years like a schmuck, so we were probably about even.

9.       Check the car seat position. I have ridiculously short legs, so anyone who is taller than Willow will likely have to change the passenger seat position. The driver will never be in the passenger seat, so this is a clever little trick if you’ve been told no one has been in the car. If you are more of a normal sized person simply move the seat forward before you get out. I’m a genius, I know.

10.   Break into their house. Keep in mind this fictional (ahem). Out at a friend’s party one night I was all pepped up on vodka red bull and had a fight with good ol’ Pot Luck on the phone. He was in the city and told me he was on the way home, but I wasn’t to see him because he was mad at me. So I did what any sensible 19 year old would do. I ran to his house and crawled in through his window, waiting for him in his bedroom. He did not show up that night. I really advise against this technique of catching someone out in a lie though. While I did trap him in an untruth, the sneaking OUT of his house the next morning was the most awkward manoeuvre I think I have ever pulled off.

This is all the wisdom I have to impart on this topic however; I honestly hope none of you are ever in the position to need it. Special thanks to my old boyfriend for the inspiration, you know who you are, I honestly couldn’t have written it without you – feel free to tag yourself in this post J


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